Test For Ralph

Monday, December 31st, 2007
The Warranty has Definitely Expired
By Chuck Carter
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Turning 50 this past summer was like turning on a switch telling mybody that the warranty has finally run out. My prostate is swollenand I gained 25 pounds - and that was just over the summer. I was ina high paying art job in the video game industry, which in the end wastotally pointless (I’m no longer there thank you). Now I find myselfself-unemployed, though I’m lucky in that I have numerous book andanimation clients who are keeping me busy and paying for a roof overmy head.
And then this past week - I discovered to my dismay I have GOUT.Previously I thought this was something that snake oil salesmeninvented so they could sell a cure, a sort of marketing promotion ofthe past. It had nothing to do with the demons attacking my leftankle with ball peen hammers and pliers, breaking the bones in mylower leg and foot and then pulling out the bone chips, tendons andmuscles with all the malicious intent of a republican attack ad.Except it goes on for hours at a time with no relief.
I was stuck in bed - crippled in ways that I could not conceive of.Reduced to tears and moaning like a dying animal - my wife stood byhelpless and unable to provide any kind of relief. Anything thattouched my foot or ankle caused such pain as to make me cry out for ahatchet.
When the pain relented, unable to sleep I went online to researchgout. I found that many famous people suffered from it. ThomasJefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Milton, Charles Darwin, ChristopherColumbus, Teddy Roosevelt and too many others to name here sufferedfrom this malady. It is even speculated that this disease helpedshape the course of history by allowing the rich and famous tounderstand true suffering in ways that eventually lead to intellectualepiphanies advancing society to where it is today.
Could I be in such a group that is so lucky to have this disease,changing my perspective on the world for the good of humanity? I didhelp create a game that changed the video game industry - Myst. Butdoes that count?
Probably not - but with the help of some powerful pain medications Ifinally found some relief. Now I can write about this experiencewithout having actually used the hatchet that my wife laid there by myside as she shook her head, looking down at me squirming on the floor,drooling. Then, thinking I couldn’t hear her as she was mutteringunder her breath - get it over with already - while sliding the toolcloser with her big toe - I realized one of those huge truths that therich and powerful knew all too well.
Yep - the warranty has definitely expired.